Confirming the centuries-old belief that God, for some weird reason, loves everyone, researchers at the Vatican said this morning that they now believe that that fact does not necessarily mean that he likes everyone.
“Our latest data proves beyond a reasonable doubt that there are a ton of pricks out there,” said lead researcher Dr. Luigi Antonello, adding that researchers found that there was seriously no way in the world that anyone, even God, could possibly like some of the self-righteous people you come in contact with on a daily basis. It just makes no sense that someone that, say, gives you unsolicited parenting advice, or doesn’t put a hand up to thank you after you let them cut in front of you in traffic can be liked by God.”
The study concludes that there has to be absolutely zero chance that the worst type of people—those being the ones who pray in the orans posture at Mass—could ever possibly be liked. Maybe not even loved.